There is a hole within me that cannot be filled, no matter what I do. I don’t know if it’s her absence. During the day, I keep myself busy, trying to stay occupied, but as soon as I lie down at night and the world quiets, that dark hole grows and begins to ache. Is this part of human nature? We believe it will be filled if we are with someone or if we attain something we desperately need or want—but is that true? Can we really fill that void? And does this void exist in everyone, or is it something only some of us experience—those lifeless moments while we are still alive?
How does this void feel?
It’s like chest pain, but not actually in the chest. It’s in the soul. Something aches, yet you can’t pinpoint where. You just feel it.
I think I’ve always been able to sense it within me. I don’t believe it’s new. Maybe we keep chasing things in life to try to fill that void. We work hard to achieve a certain role. We spend nights imagining what it would be like to live with someone we love. We buy the things we’ve always wanted, only for the curse of habituation to make us crave the next thing. The only person I feel truly understands this void is Noah. He knows how painful it is to exist when you pay close enough attention. Maybe everyone experiences it, but they don’t notice. They keep themselves occupied, numbing their minds with distractions—TV, social media, anything to avoid feeling it. I usually go downstairs for a cigarette. If the sky is clear, I look up and start thinking about her. What is she doing right now? Where is she? Is she okay? Is she safe? These thoughts feed my desire to think of her, but at the same time, they make the void grow even larger.
I came across a picture for a statue that exists in Switzerland. I think it was meant to represent the grief within.